Mental Health - life experiences

My story, by Jill
It all starts when I was nine years old.  I was washing the dishes and I dropped a glass.  The glass shattered everywhere.  For some reason, which I don't know, I picked up a shard of glass and dragged it across my skin.

I felt better. 

Although I was fortunate to be educated at a private school, my family life was very stressful and I discovered that cutting myself realised all the pent up emotions I had inside.  I didn't know at that point that there was a name for what I was doing - "self harm" - or that there were other people who did it.

I was only nine.  I just knew that my secret cuts kept me going. 

Things stayed pretty much that way until I turned fifteen.  It was then that I realised cutting myself was not normal.   I started to look on the internet to find about more about it (self-harm) as I felt I needed support with my problem.  I met a guy in an online chat room and soon I agreed to meet him. 

He attacked me. 

After the attack, I said nothing.  I told no one.  I tried to deny to myself that it actually happened.  After four long months I told my school nurse part of what happened because I felt I could trust her.  I was scared how she would react.  Everything seemed to spiral out of control.  The police were called, my mum was informed and the child protection team became involved.  Because of how quickly things happened I felt unable to tell them everything. 

I went into a deep depression.  I became so unwell that I was admitted to an adolescent psychiatric in-patient unit under Section 18 of the Mental Health Act.

I was hospitalised for eighteen months during which time I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). 

I felt that my time in hospital was like a rollercoaster.  Looking back I know that I was safe and it was what I needed; I just didn't realise it at the time.

When I was in hospital, I was finally able to speak about the attack.  I was also brave enough to go back to the police which was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  After eighteen months and after being diagnosed and medicated I was discharged back into the community to live with SAY women.  They are a semi-support accommodation project who supports women who have been raped, sexually abused or sexually assaulted and who are homeless. 

Support at this point in my journey was vital as I could no longer return home.  My recovery journey from this point on involved a lot of support, understanding and nurturing.

After some time SAY women referred me to Midway Services.  The service is provided by Turning Point Scotland and provides support to individuals with mental health issues to set up their own permanent tenancy.

I was able to move into a temporary homeless flat and then to my permanent tenancy.  Midway helped me to organise the move; to set up my bills and most of all to help me live independently.

I have been self-harming for nearly ten years, and overdosing for four; although it has lessened significantly over the last year. 

I think this is to do with the support I received about dealing with being attacked and also with the support and understanding I now have about my mental health issues.  I think having psychiatric and psychological support has helped.  I have been lucky to have understanding support workers.

I am involved in a woodwork project which is really beneficial to me as it gives me something to do during the day as well providing me with support.

Along the journey, there have been setbacks; one of which was finding out that the Procurator Fiscal wasn't going to proceed with my case.  I felt as if they thought I wasn't telling the truth. 

I found it difficult to leave the SAY Women project and Annie.  I felt in a way that she was my lifeline and I trusted her.  But now I am coping with that; I've found that I can trust other people and that they can help me.

Sometimes things are still really bad.  I have my share of dark days; but at least I now have the support in place to cope better with these times.  I have good people around me who remind me that the dark times pass.

For more information on our mental health services please click here.